Waiting for the blow

I've taken a break from Edgar Sawtelle, because my own life has become slightly more tense and the sense of impending doom was getting to me. Something will happen to these mute, sweet, defenseless characters and I don't know what it is except it will be sad, and bad.

In being mute Edgar taps into a heartbreaking boy who has followed me all my life, in different forms and found in different books. These are the boys I grew up with, and boys who grow up anywhere where having a feeling is simply not discussed. Not that it is un-masculine, it simply isn't there. When I asked my brother how his friend was doing after a breakup with a woman and mother of his kid, whom he'd been with for at least a decade, my brother shrugged and said "he's awright I guess, saw him at the bar the other day." In their inability to say, process, live whole, these boys get into big trouble. Another friend was one of these, a brilliant boy who appeared that he really was going to beat destiny. He was the youngest-ever full time photographer at a photography-heavy newspaper, he was fearless but also sensitive enough that he could always get the amazing picture of the victim, or the family, or the utterly raw look of someone who has found pain unbearable -- all the stuff of daily news photography. There was something young and vulnerable about him and even victims of terrible crimes felt some kindred spirit.

He was a bright light and going far until destiny grabbed him in a near-Shakespearean way. Drugs given by his Iago quickly became an addiction, or perhaps drugs were the Iago, making him paranoid, bitter, angry. He was no longer the hard-working wunderkind, he started to mess up, not show up, started to be aggressive where his sweet self would have opened doors and hearts.

Finally he seemed like he was going to pull out of it. He went to rehab, he came back to work, he seemed if not his old self at least someone we recognized.

One day he missed work, then the next day, then the photo editor suggested a friend and fellow photographer go round to the house to see what was up. I think they expected the bacchanalia of the past -- women, bikers, smoke, coke. What he found was our sweet friend in the back seat of his car, in the garage, the car having run dry of gas. Dead but looking merely asleep.

This is what happens to boys who cannot speak, express, deal. I don't know what will happen to Edgar Sawtelle or his dogs, but there is an Iago at work or perhaps a Claudius...someone up to no good. Too scary to go on, I've taken a break to read murder mysteries. At least with these we care less about the characters and know what to expect.

Reading the writing on the wall

And here we are, on the eve of an election and the eve of history. But what history? America is not the first racist country to elect a black person or a woman; it is, however, more proud of this achievement than others.

Every newspaper and blog is covered in thick election coverage and what a journalist friend calls the "hagiography" of Obama. No one thinks he will lose, and so as the heir apparent will soon, perhaps as soon as tomorrow, start to have his day in the light.

Of all the dark horses in this race and all the hiding in plain sight, it is Obama who has gotten off lightest.

During the primaries it was Hillary Clinton who took a lot of the fire, today it is the bumbling of the Palin-McCain camp. Palin's outfits alone have taken many an eye off any appropriate ball. Obama had the good sense to tell his own story in a couple of books, being sure to add the odd, small mea culpa -- I wonder if any of it is terribly sincere. The comment that his memory of his first kiss with his now wife "tasted of chocolate" sounds very Judy Blume. Or Ross and Rachel. A bit twee, in other words. It's a small thing, but it has the tone of an oft-repeated story valued for its "cute"; it reminds me of someone trying to show his affectionate side rather than really having one.

Now he will take on the full weight of history. He can't but fail. Far too many hopes, dreams, ill-defined expectations are resting on his head.

Great campaign though.

Edgar Sawtelle

Five years ago, on the heels of a few setbacks and a sorry breakup, I got a dog. My first.
The decision was as thought out as anything life changing can be, as in, not very well thought out at all because how can you decide on the unknown? I realized that I don't get along with people, I live a life with no responsibilities beyond getting myself out of bed and washed in the morning (and getting out of bed proves harder to do than you'd think), a life of utter self-indulgence when you look at it. I was living a life very much as I'd lived it since the age of 18, as a student....relentless "what do I want now, how can I make ME happy now?" and it was frankly boring.

So, with no partner and no children to look after I decided on a dog, a very small one because I am actually afraid of dogs. I thought tiny would be easier. I have had a great many cats in my life and a cat didn't answer the urge -- they are too independent, I wanted something that needed me. Some reason NOT to head to a bar after work. I needed a reason to go home and to like it there.

Enter Bear, as seen to your right, a very teeny beast and one, I'm given to understand, only her owner could love. She is haphazard in terms of obedience, annoyingly yappy, and a bit of a fright to look at with her long hair that is almost constantly in dreadlocks because she despises being brushed and prefers to wash her own face. In fact, though her teeth are all of 1/8 of an inch long she can indeed draw blood if you have a brush in your hand. However, despite her flawed character she is decidedly my dog, never fully happy when I'm not with her (or so I try to believe). She likes to be nearby at all times, content to watch me read books if that's what's going on; when she sees the mascara come out she starts to cry at the bathroom door by way of persuasion, "please please take me with you". When I was most depressed over yet another hard breakup she sat at my feet and stared into my face, whimpering and crying as I did not allow myself to do. My only fear in life now is that somehow I will not perfectly look after her, and if real harm were to come to her, it would kill me. I don't know how people have courage to have children -- it must be terrifying to love anything or anyone that much.

And so we come to Edgar Sawtelle, a wonderful book sometimes told from a dog's perspective, about a relationship between a silent boy and man's (and a boy's) best friend. When the boy forgets himself and Almondine can lick his face, the dog spins with joy. The dog is the boy's voice and protector, the dog is thrilled to have a job to do.

Permeating this story is a sense of dread, quiet and almost hidden but there. You know that maybe on the next page or the one after it, something will break your heart. This is the way of mute beings whether they are silent because they cannot speak or silent because they don't know the words to use. They will break your heart because you want to protect them from what they cannot comprehend or communicate, and as such they are a victim to it.

I don't know what doom is impending, just that I feel it. I have not finished this gorgeous book. But you should start it as well.

Signs of the times

It is very difficult to read a book when current events are so compelling.

You won't know this because no one cared and no one voted and nothing changed but Canada had its own attempt at an election. But off course the real extravaganza is the American one.

Here we have America choosing its prejudice as much as its president, selecting between a white woman of girlish affectation and gargantuan ambition and a black(ish) man who felt glorious enough himself to pen not one but as I count it three memoirs already at the ripe old age of 47.

Though this choice would seem to suggest that America will be forced to take a step forward toward enlightenment regardless of who becomes president, one half of the choice is a big step back.

Sarah Palin is no modern woman; rather she is All About Eve, the duplicitous bitch from high school, that catty Joan Collins character in a TV show, an archetype we'd hoped had disappeared.

She has spent $150,000 since August on clothes and make-up and why not, it's showtime. The self-described hockey mom is running her campaign exactly as she ran them as a would-be beauty queen -- all cute winks and charming "you betcha"'s, answering those tough questions about foreign and economic policy as cleverly as any Miss America contestant who is required to be prepped for that sort of thing to show dimension, to show that she is not merely just another pretty face. And Palin, as vice presidential candidate for a man The Lancet suggests is medically fragile, is sitting in that cat-bird seat -- as any beauty pageant watcher knows, first runner up will ascend to Queen should the winner be unable to complete her rein.

For we women raised to assume the radical feminists just before us had strafed the chauvinistic world so we could live without having to turn the world on with our smile, it is disconcerting to see a woman succeed on the basis of a wink and a prayer. She uses all the wiles we thought, or hoped, would have no further resonance anywhere but a dinner party. Like so many Cassandras we say that such tactics don't really work anymore but we are wrong, they do work, we still live in a world that likes its women perky and cute -- and substance, well, that's great for people doing the boring stuff like foreign secretary work or something. What we have here is someone doing Sexy Secretary, up-do, glasses and pencil skirt included. She exhibits a calculating, raw ambition and for all her claimed affection for Joe Six-pack seems about as warm as her native state.

That "cute" works is depressing. But it works all over the show -- in a recent article, Kate Moss describes her relationship with her boss as one where she has merely to wheedle "please Uncle Phil" and her wish is his command. To connect a model with a presidential candidate may seem crazy but look at it -- Moss is supposedly one of the most successful entrepreneurs in history, a self-made success story, cleverly turning her stylishness into money by partnering with Topshop. Sadly she is a business woman who gets by on cute as much as acumen but perhaps it is excusable if not laudable -- she does get by on her looks. It makes you appreciate Madonna more, another savvy businesswoman who would bust a ball as much as play it. Thank heaven for her, one of the few girl-powerhouses who, we suspect, never wheedles.

It's a troubling time to be female. I would say it is a troubling time to be American, but sadly, the significance is larger than that. Imagine Palin, defender of the free world, in discussions with Putin. Let's hope he has a kid in hockey or we're toast.

Always say thank you

Margaret Visser has the kind of voice that a Brit might call "plummy" though it seems to me to be something closer to caramel or dark fudge sauce. In other words, she is someone you want to listen to even if she's merely reading the phone book.

Who is she and how do we know this? At first we thought she was an academic dug up by the diligent producers of the CBC -- she was a regular on Morningside back when it existed; she may still be a regular of the CBC but I am not.

Lucky for us, though, she is also and perhaps foremost an author of remarkable books on tiny subjects, "micro histories" they are now called, now that this has morphed into a full-on genre.

A beloved much earlier book, Much Depends on Dinner, was about dinner --she traced the history and social mores behind the most typical of plain suppers, roast chicken with potatoes, corn -- and how each element came to be on our plate and its place in the world of agriculture, commerce, culture. She spoke of it weekly on the radio, and reading it was even better. Delicious.

Her newest book is The Gift of Thanks, a clever bit of scholarship on the history and meaning of gratitude. Fingers crossed that if there is an audio version, she is the one who is reading aloud. That would be something to be grateful for.

Gratitude is often in short supply.

There is very little that is more alluring, charming, engaging, warm.

Twenty-four hours ago I left the memorial service of a woman I never met but wish I had; a woman who had such a force of personality, whose life force was so strong that I, a total stranger, was touched by her, moved by her example, and I like all of her friends and her family am determined to learn from her so that she did not die in vain.

In short, she was a great many things that can be summed up by the fact she was grateful. She loved life and knew it to be a gift, she lived every moment, she fought for things worth fighting for and laughed at the rest. She could see the funny side, she chose to be thankful for what she had rather than lament what she didn't -- and what she didn't have was profound. She didn't have health and therefore didn't have time, the time to see her kids grow up or to see her garden bloom. No matter.

From the stories her friends and family told of her, from the deep grief they feel, from the photographs that show her bright smiling, always smiling, face it is clear she was remarkable and someone put on earth to show the rest of us how it's done. In particular there were two photos of her with her husband -- one on their wedding day, one where she is leaning her head against his shoulder and what we see is the utter contentment and quiet happiness of loving and being loved, and knowing that love will never be forsaken.

She loved. Loved life, she loved her family, she loved her friends, career, books, music, her garden, her home. She was postive, a light in the darkness, she did not take for granted, not anything, not one thing.

Appreciate more. Be more kind than is necessary, everyone has their own struggle. Show gratitude.

What a good book at the right time.

Reading like a man

There is a stack of books on my bedside table which makes me feel quite manly. I've never known one, a man I mean, who has the stick-to-it-ive-ness to settle on just the one; rather, I've witnessed the casual browse through this book until it gets sloggy, then that one, maybe back to the first, always on a search for whatever it is they search for. Excitment I suppose.

It's enough to make a girl shake in her Laboutins. But let's assume a reading pattern isn't a lifestyle....

When Will There Be Good News is another fantastic story by the fantastic Kate Atkinson. Her first book, Behind the Scenes at the Museum, is on my permanent list of suggestions for anyone jaded by books and in need of a read. The direction her writing has taken was not predictable by this first excellent attempt; she's moved from the initial appearance of literary fiction tending to chick lit to become a sort of mystery writer but of the best kind. There is a story, there are real characters and real pathos, the mystery feels eerie and sad rather than formulaic. And, Atkinson can capture a child on paper like no other. That we did see in Museum.

Lover of Unreason is a biography of a minor character (a personal favorite though you won't find these on the best seller lists), the tragic second wife of Ted Hughes, a man who is either a cad beyond comprehension or the unluckiest bastard on earth. Perhaps we should check the bedside table for clues. You will recall his first wife Sylvia Plath offed herself after giving the children their lunch, sticking her head in the gas oven. At least the children were saved. Not so the child of Ted and Assia Wevill, a tortured (maybe by Ted, maybe not) beauty and a poet in her own right. Assia grew up the cherished and spoilt daughter of a lazy physician and his wife; the family fled Nazi Germany for Israel where daddy was one of a multitude of physicians caring for impoverished and not very sick people without healthcare insurance to mitigate any costs. So, times were a little tough. How she meets Ted and why she ended up with her own pretty head in the oven we don't know yet. As I say, I'm reading like a man, a little here and a little there.

Both books are equally compelling in their own way you see.

Maybe that's a larger metaphor than I think......and an answer to the mystery of Mars.

It's been a while

Writing has taken the place of reading over the summer -- there has been scant time to sit on the terrace with a good book and a glass of wine, few free Saturday afternoons to lose to someone else's story.

What a shame.

A summer without reading, a summer without a whole wodge of great books and the adventures they bring is a summer without sunshine.

And we've had that, too!

The good thing about rainy fall days is....it's wonderful to tuck in, light some candles, adjust the lighting and dive in to the books again. This we will do.